Well I had my 4th (I think?) therapy session today. It was good, we discussed how I am passive aggressive and have an obsessive need to please people. Society makes this normal (especially for women), but it's really very un-healthy. By putting my feelings and happiness aside, I am deceiving the people I am trying to please. I cannot give anyone else 100% if I'm not 110% happy first. Oh boy, this is going to be hard for me. I think this part of my behavior modification will be much harder than any eating/nutritional changes.
First of all, by allowing myself to put ME first and my happiness first, I feel selfish. My therapist told me that's wrong. That's only creating a double negative. When I'm too busy putting on a happy face and making sure everyone else is happy when I'm really not, my body goes into self-injury mode. Some people self-injure in ways like cutting themselves or starving themselves or drinking alcohol. I self-injure by eating. So in order to help save myself from self-injuring, I have to learn to stand up for myself and not be afraid of confrontation. *I type this as I'm almost in tears because I'm so scared of this.*
So my warning is this:
To all my wonderful and amazing family and friends who I love so much, please stick with me while I try to learn to stand up for my feelings and my own happiness. If I confront you on something, please don't take offense, I'm doing it out love, not anger or fear (that's what my therapist is trying to teach me the difference of). Most of you are not used to me being honest about my feelings, and for that I apologize. I have deceived you all into thinking I'm happy when I'm not, that I'm ok with things you say when I'm not, or that I'm comfortable with a situation when I am absolutely not. I sincerely apologize for giving everyone a false impression of who I am. But I vow that from this day forward, I will be honest with you, as you deserve me to be. If you say or do something that makes me un-happy, please allow me to say so without becoming defensive or insulted. If I say or do something that makes YOU un-happy, please tell me so, and I will welcome it. I cannot keep holding back feelings to make people happy because then I explode.
As my therapist said, this is the time in my life where it's make or break. I have to do what's best for me and be completely honest and open about it. All my friends and family can either keep up, or fall behind. And I can either keep up with you, or fall behind. But neither of us should be forced into staying back or being pulled ahead against our wills. I know this doesn't exactly make sense, but I completely understand it and I need to say it. If one of us decides to be left behind, then it is a good thing for both people involved. That way one person isn't pulling and one person isn't being dragged behind. No one can be happy in that kind of situation.
I'm making a lot of changes inside myself and as selfish as I feel saying it, I am not going to try so hard to please people anymore. I'm not saying I'm going to be a jerk, but if something is making me un-happy and I don't fix the situation immediately, then I am going to start self-destructing and that is not good. I have never considered the possibility that I am passive aggressive, but having read up on it, I completely am! This is WHY I'm un-happy so much of the time, and it's all because I'm not being honest in an effort to make everyone else happy.
If you love me, you wouldn't want me to self-destruct, so you will be understanding and supportive when I stand up for myself. If you put me down and make me feel bad about myself for trying to stand up for my happiness, then you don't have my best interests in mind.
Please be on the look-out for the new and happier Stephanie...coming soon!
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